In Puerto Rico right now, 60 percent of people don’t have access to potable water. It’s only natural that the President has decided to allocate all of his resources to the cause that needs it the most: the Dallas Cowboys.
Trump’s attention span is notoriously limited — this is, reportedly, a man who won’t read national security briefings unless his name is included multiple times — and Puerto Rico’s humanitarian crisis is growing by the day. 80 percent of their crops are estimated to have been ruined. Power may not come back for six months or more. An aid package isn’t expected to arrive until mid-October, far too late for folks with struggling with depleted oxygen tanks and unrefrigerated insulin.
It’s time for Trump’s parents, aka Daddy Kelly, to put away his toys and ask him to be a good boy now.
Last night, the President blamed the island’s current crisis on its debt — not, you know, a hurricane — and later claimed that “food and water” were doing well, whatever that means.
Here’s how we can get him to focus on an island that desperately needs his help.
1. Throw a huge military parade with army tanks in the middle of the island. Let him toot one!
Big boy Trump loves nothing more than seeing big scary tanks and trucks go honk-honk!
2. Draw his electoral college victory map in the sand.
3. Lie and tell him that Obama refused to go.
4. Let him hold a campaign rally there.
This election won’t end until we’re all dead.
5. Include a golf vacation as part of the deal
¡Trump le gusta el golf!
6. Have “Chuck and Nancy” talk with him about the crises over Chinese food
7. Tell him that Putin thinks that Puerto Rico is where all the cool leaders go
All the most popular authoritarian presidents hang out in Old San Juan.
8. Give him an extra scoop of ice cream in return for visiting
Three scoops! And if he’s extra good, he gets to go to Six Flags for his birthday.
9. Have him sign an aid package and tell him its a new travel ban
This wouldn’t be the first time Trump signed something he didn’t totally understand.
10. Have a plane skywrite “Trump” over and over again across the island
Move over, Trump Hotel. Introducing: Trump Colonial Properties.
11. Warn him that the “Little Rocket man” is now after him and watch him flee to an island “nobody knows about”
12. Tell him that Puerto Rico that is a red state
Chances are he doesn’t even know its part of America. Give the deception a chance.
Fake news will always be the fastest route to his heart.
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