It’s a sad but true fact of life: We must permanently cast away everyone in our lives who does not have air conditioning, no matter how much we may love them.
Regardless of the bonds that unite us, be they familial or otherwise, nothing is worth spending even one full minute in a room that is higher than 70 degrees Fahrenheit. This is something that we all agree on.
Of course, it still isn’t easy, removing loved ones from your life indefinitely because they choose to live in a moderately warmer environment. Personally, removing these people from my life were some of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nicholas from work
Nicholas and I worked together for more than four years, and we clicked immediately. We both rolled our eyes at the company meetings, we were both self-motivated, and we’re both huge Sixers fans — honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such a genuine camaraderie with another person. Nicholas and I just got each other! A few weeks ago, Nicholas invited me over to his new apartment to watch the NBA draft. As soon as I stepped through the door, I could tell something was wrong. It was warm, not cool. Nicholas didn’t have an air conditioner.
“It doesn’t get too hot here actually, because this side of the building doesn’t get direct sunlight,” Nicholas said, like an absolute sociopathic maniac.
“That’s okay,” I told him, lying. “You can keep the six pack. I will unfortunately never see you again in my entire life.”
Nicholas seemed confused as I sprinted down the stairs and back to the climate controlled subway, and even more confused the next day when I entered the office without looking at him and packed up my things, leaving the company without notice after years of stellar performance. Goodbye, Nicholas.
My sister Rachel and brother-in-law Will
Ha, what can I even say about Rachel and Will. Rachel and I grew up together, she’s my best friend, and she’s there for me more than anyone else. I was her husband Will’s best man, and he and I became practically joined at the hip at family functions for the last eight years or so. Suffice it to say, these two are my family.
You’ll understand then, why it hurst so much to cast them out of my life forever without a second thought when I learned that they would not be buying a replacement air conditioner this summer, after their old one broke.
I mean, I cried like a baby deleting both of their info from my phone and computer and then driving to the local precinct to file restraining orders against the two of them. But unfortunately, I just can’t have people who choose to not have A/C in their life in mine.
My high school English teacher and lifelong mentor, Mrs. G
Through my high school years, Mrs. G fostered my passion for writing, introduced me to hundreds of incredible stories and practically held my hand through my college admissions process. After graduation, she became my mentor, helping me start my career. I’ve often said that if there were a million Mrs. Gs, this would be a perfect world.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. I went to Mrs. G’s retirement party (50 years in one school district!) and discovered that she uses window fans instead of air conditioning. While I had thought Mrs. G was an amazingly selfless and principled person who dedicated her life to the lives of others, she is actually an unhinged (possible) psychopath who thinks 75 degrees is a good enough temperature for a living space. It shattered me to write Mrs. G a strongly worded note explaining that we could no longer communicate with one another.
Dee, the hiker who saved my life on the mountain
When I tripped and tumbled down the side of a mountain during a solo backpacking trip, I thought I was a goner. For two nights, I lied on my back, staring up at the stars, unable to stand and without cell service. That’s when Dee found me. Wonderful, noble Dee, who helped me to my feet and called in a rescue helicopter.
“When I get better, I’ll make it up to you,” I promised her, as the chopper pulled away.
“Okay, but I don’t have air conditioning,” she replied.
“Forget it then,” I said.
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.