The ‘Baywatch’ crew, fully clothed.

Image: Paramount pictures

There’s a lot described these days as things you “can’t unsee,” but I promise this is not hyperbole: Even as I type, I cannot banish from my mind the vision of that dead man’s penis.

Paramount Pictures opened its Cinemacon slate presentation Tuesday night with the cast of Baywatch, who introduced a “fuscia band” trailer (that’s “rated FU for ‘fucking awesome'” if you must know) that you may consider skipping, depending on your ability to forget. 

Spoiler alert: If you want to be surprised — shocked? Grossed out? Impressed? — by the Baywatch fuscia-band trailer whenever it’s finally released to the public, read no further. (And if you’re about to eat, you also may consider reading no further.)

So here’s the setup: Mitch Buchanan (Dwayne Johnson), Matt Brody (Zac Efron) and Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) are low-key investigating the circumstances of a man’s death, and have arrived in a morgue to check out his body for injuries. Mitch lifts up the cadaver’s sheet and whoop! 

Out pops the dead penis.

Mitch tricks the dim-witted Matt into inspecting it for “needle marks.” He makes him lift it, grab it and get uncomfortably close to it, which causes him to over-describe the smells he’s experiencing, all a ruse to snap a few sly photos for the sole purpose of his ultimate humiliation.

Of course at that moment, the villains arrive, and the Baywatch gang hides out in the cadaver drawers where, after a moment, some mystery goop starts dripping on Matt’s face. Learning that it’s “liquid fat” from a body decomposing above, he comes shooting out of the drawer — and giving away the team.

But no amount of decomposing jelly is ever going to wash away the image of a dead man’s genitals popping out on the big screen when you least expect it.

Baywatch opens May 26, when you can see it for yourself.

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