As a self-made millionaire, I am devastated every day when I see the foolish spending and saving habits of millennials. That’s why when I saw fellow rich person Tim Gurner scold young people for buying avocado toast, I screamed “yes” so loud my butlers came into my morning den to check on me.
After firing them for not knocking, I decided to write some advice of my own because millennials are so rampant and irresponsible with their income that buying avocado toast is really just the tip of the iceberg.
As a millionaire, I am begging millennials to stop doing the following things with their money.
1. Folding up hundred dollar bills into paper airplanes and throwing them into the sea.
Millennials, please, stop going out to sea with hundreds of dollars folded up like paper airplanes and then throwing the folded up bills out into the waters. I would estimate that millennials throw upwards of $250,000 into the sea every year. I can’t stress enough how this, along with purchasing avocado toast, will not help you afford your first home.
2. Running dollar bills through the paper shredder to see if it is still working.
Another alarming trend amongst millennials is testing out the effectiveness of their paper shredder by removing all the bills from their wallet and running them through the shredder. As a millionaire, I can assure you that this practice is counter-productive in your efforts to be able to afford a home.
3. Balling up hundred dollar bills, loading them into a Victorian-era cannon, and then shooting the cannon off tall castles into the plains below.
When I was growing up, I scrimped and saved every penny I earned. I learned the meaning of a dollar very early on and it definitely attributed to why I am so wealthy and successful today. This generation, however, seems to be more delighted by the idea of loading a 19th century cannon with hundreds of dollars in bills and then shooting said cannon off a tall castle into the empty rolling plains just below the castle. I promise you that this is not helping you on your way to being homeowners and I am begging you to stop.
4. Taking out all of their money from the bank and stamping “VOID” on each bill.
I do not, for the life of me, understand why millennials will take out all of their money from the bank and then spend an evening stamping “VOID” in huge red letters on each and every bill. This, along with buying avocado toast, is an incredible waste of money.
5. Scattering 300 signed blank checks in Times Square during rush hour.
Believe me when I say that walking into Times Square during rush hour and scattering 300 personally signed blank checks onto the street for anybody to pick up, write a dollar amount on, and then cash out at their bank, is a horrendously terrible idea if you are trying to save money.
6. Converting all of your money into gold coins and then whacking them into the woods with a tennis racquet.
Saving money is already hard. Don’t make it harder by converting all of your savings into the form of gold coins, going over to the edge of the woods, and then whacking each coin into the woods. There are better ways to spend your money, trust me.
Millennials, you have yourselves and only yourselves to blame for your financial woes. However, if you can bring yourself to stop doing these six things, you should be able to afford a home in no time.