Me (left) and the genius Elon Musk, five years from this day.

Image: mashable composite, shutterstock; getty images

Elon Musk, the CEO of SpaceX and Tesla, has reportedly launched yet another futuristic company. Neuralink Corp., his latest project, will work to merge the human brain with computers.

I would like to use this post as a means of applying to become the first human subject in this experiment. 

Mr. Musk, please put a computer in my head.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Neuralink Corp. will likely begin with the treatment of brain diseases, eventually growing to expand the basic functions of the human brain. The latter stage, Musk has said, would help give humanity a fighting chance against Artificial Intelligence.

Mr. Musk, I want you to know that my brain is healthy and I am ready to begin phase two. Pop open my dome and slap a laptop in there, let’s go.

Me, booting up.

Me, booting up.

Why I want this:

I don’t want to be subservient to robots. I would like to be the boss of robots. Or, at least, a middle manager. I would like to be a decent cyborg office worker with a robot boss, but also a few robot interns. 

All of us toiling away for 24 hours a day, building more hard drives to feed the robot king or whatever. It’s a living!

Why you should hire me:

The answer is simple: I am the perfect candidate and nobody else has expressed any interest.

In terms of experience, I am happy to send my resume at your request. To summarize: I am proficient with Microsoft Word, WordPress and SEO. I have worked with computers and I have seen The Matrix trilogy and Bradley Cooper’s Limitless.

Also, I do not care how the computer gets into my head. If you have to cut me open and glue a Kindle Fire to my frontal lobe, that’s fine. I am also open to eating a flash drive, having nanobots injected into my bloodstream or merging my consciousness with a smart fridge.

A friend of mine, poking my chest.

A friend of mine, poking my chest.

And hey, in the off chance this goes wrong and you delete my brain and accidentally replace all of my memories with the raw images from your Disney vacation — who loses? I won’t remember anything and you’ll have someone to talk to about the Main Street Electric Parade. This is a win-win.

You will not find a candidate more accepting of this idea, Mr. Musk.

Questions for you:

Questions for me?:

Please feel free to reach out.

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