The Beatles were arguably the best band to ever make music. By the time they finally called it quits in 1970, the group had gone from poppy boy band to psychedelic rockers to artistic innovators, and changed music for the better at every turn. The Fab Four from Liverpool are still the best-selling band in history with over 800 million physical and digital albums sold. 

The Beatles revolutionized music at its core and their influence can still be heard today. 

Still with me? Great. 

At this time I’d like to rank the 10 best Beatles songs, with the only goal being pissing off specifically you. These are the 10 best Beatles songs, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You are going to be so mad when you read this and that’s just how it’s going to be. Don’t like it? Don’t look. All right. 

Let’s do this already, asshole. 

10. “Thank You Girl” 

Coming in at number 10 is the B-side of the single, “From Me To You.” In April 1972, John Lennon told Hit Parader, “[The song was written by] Paul and me. This was just a silly song we knocked off.” McCartney agreed, describing it as “a bit of a hack song, but all good practice.” They didn’t like it. Have you ever even heard this song? I just put it as the number 10 best Beatles song of all time. How does that make you feel? 

9. “Slow Down” 

This cover of Larry Williams’ 24-bar-blues song is maybe not the first song one thinks of when they think of The Beatles. But here it is, coming in at number nine. Even the most die-hard Beatles fans would have a hard time finding anything remotely interesting about this song. It sounds like something they just decided to record at the last minute. It’s a sloppy performance with a lot of missed cues and it lacks any sort of basic cohesion. Yet here I am, telling you it is one of the best songs The Beatles ever put out. What are you going to do about it? You don’t even know who Larry Williams is. 

8. “Wild Honey Pie” 

This twangy mess of a song off the White Album comes in at number eight. The number eight best Beatles song ever made, by the way. The only lyrics are “Honey Pie” and it’s 53 seconds long. I have no doubt in my mind that Paul McCartney wrote and recorded this song in less than an hour, and I am telling you that it is better than “Strawberry Fields Forever.” Deal with it.

7. “Piggies”

This song written by George Harrison, which sounds like something you might hear being played at a Renaissance Fair, is number seven on my list. Its harpsichord-driven commentary on consumerism was intended as “light-hearted satire.” This song is certainly an auto-skip if one is listening to the White Album, but I find it to be the seventh best song recorded by The Beatles. Is there something you’d like to say to me about this? Are you going to challenge me on this? Does something about the phrase “‘Piggies’ is one of the best songs ever recorded by The Beatles” make your blood boil?

6. “Revolution 9” 

Sure, people might praise this song for its weird, artistic uniqueness. But not me. I infuriatingly find this song to be a testament to musical craft. I actually think this jarring, disturbing, and all around confusing collection of avant-garde noise sounds good. But not based on its artistic merit. Rather, I sit it in my car with the volume up and rock out to it. I totally missed the point of this song. Doesn’t that piss you right off? I think it’s the number six best Beatles song of all time. Say something to me about it. I dare you. I thrive on this.

5. “Rocky Racoon” 

That’s right, I just said goddamn “Rocky Raccoon” was the fifth best Beatles song of all time, outranking both “Hey Jude” and “Here Comes the Sun.” Did this song even chart at all? There’s not damn thing you can do about this. It’s my list. 

4. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” 

Sure, there are some people that might actually think this song is pretty good. It’s fast-paced, has a good bouncy bass line, and it’s actually pretty catchy. But is it really the fourth best song by The Beatles? Better than “Let It Be?” I must be out of my goddamn mind, right? How pissed are you right now?  

3. “Dig It” 

This messy 50-second excerpt from a jam session has only three chords, makes no sense lyrically, and ends with John Lennon saying in a very annoying falsetto voice, “That was ‘Can You Dig It?’ by Georgie Wood. And now we’d like to do ‘Hark, the Angels Come’.” Your guess is as good as mine, but I am ready to argue to the teeth that this is the third best song The Beatles ever recorded and released.  

2. “When I’m Sixty-Four” 

I can feel your anger. This strange song by Paul McCartney prominently features a clarinet trio and sounds like a number written for a 1950’s musical called “Growin’ Old With My Lady” or something. Now what if I told you this song was “quintessential Beatles?” That this is The Beatles operating at their very best? Something wrong? “When I’m Sixty-Four” is nearly the apex of the entire Beatles discography. What’s the matter? It’s my list.  

1. “Komm Gib Mir Deine Hand” 

Oh, man. How fucking annoying is this? I just said the number one best Beatles song was the German version they recorded of “I Want To Hold Your Hand.” Not even the original. You must be fuming at this. It’s too bad you can’t do shit about it.  

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.



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