Close-up of ancient clay tablet with cuneiform writings; Shutterstock ID 569558695

Image: Shutterstock / Kotomiti Okuma

FROM: Green, David

TO: Hobby Lobby Store Managers

SUBJ: We Are Restructuring Our Mission Statement (and other notes)

Greetings to all of our lovely store managers,

I am Hobby Lobby CEO and founder David Green and I am writing this memo to announce that we are restructuring our mission statement to include a few things I have become suddenly, unreasonably obsessed with. You might have read about it in some small, unimportant places, so I thought I’d just clear it up here.

I am a simple man with a simple background. In 1970 I had a dream to start my own arts and craft business that would cater to its customers in a caring fashion. That dream became a reality when I took a $600 loan and opened a small picture frame business in my garage. This small startup would eventually blossom into what we all know and love as Hobby Lobby.  

A few years ago I fell asleep watching a television program about ancient Mesopotamian mythology and I was visited in my dream by a cruel beast. He said his name was Nergal, the ancient Mesopotamian God of Death.

Nergal spoke in a low, horrible voice that was physically painful to hear. His words felt like fire in my ears. I yelled in agony as he told me the story of the Irkalla Gate. That it was a portal from Irkalla, the Mesopotamian version of Hell, that would allow its inhabitants to enter our reality and spread unending plague and torment throughout our world. 

This reminds me: I was in our Richmond location a few weeks ago and nobody helped me when I was looking at paints. Going forward, let’s be sure to always assign someone to the paints- it can be confusing!

I learned that the Gate had laid dormant for thousands of years after humanity won a great struggle against Nergal. But since the Gate was cursed by an even greater evil than Nergal it could not be destroyed by mortal hands. Instead it was dismantled and hidden throughout former Mesopotamia, and all records of its existence had been destroyed to prevent any future civilization from rebuilding it in a doomed attempt to wield its power. 

Few have heard this story. And even fewer believe it.

Also, please note that the Wall Decor sections and Wood Crafting sections have been combined into one section as of April to make room for the Summer section. 

Since my encounter with Nergal I have become obsessed with the Gate. I can feel its pull at all times. It calls out to me to assemble it. And I will. This is why I have been secretly smuggling ancient cuneiform tablets under the guise of Hobby Lobby products. My aim is to decode and translate each tablet in hopes that it will lead to the discovery of the locations of the Gate pieces. My efforts have proved fruitless thus far, but my will and spirit have not wavered. I am the Gate Champion and I will succeed. 

My passion for the Gate is matched only by my passion for arts, crafts, and home decor. Which is why I believe it is now time for the Hobby Lobby mission statement to be restructured to the following:

Hobby Lobby Mission Statement (UPDATED: July, 2017)

We here at Hobby Lobby are committed to:

  • Offering our customers exceptional selection and value.

  • Serving our employees and their families by establishing a work environment and company policies that build character, strengthen individuals, and nurture families.

  • Providing a return on the family’s investment, and investing in our community.

  • Reclaiming and rebuilding the prophesied Irkalla Gate created by Nergal, the ancient Mesopotamian God of Death, so that He and the wretched beings of Irkalla may once again reign supreme in this world and the next.  

Thank you, and have a pleasant rest of your day.

Sincerely,

David Green, CEO

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.

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