President Trump has unveiled his first major budget proposal, allowing Americans to finally take a break from the nonstop political scandals and focus their attention on something far more familiar: human cruelty.

What a relief!

The president’s budget proposes deep cuts to Medicaid, food stamps and pretty much every other program that helps humans not named Donald Trump. Mick Mulvaney, Trump’s budget director, justified the cuts by decrying the country’s terrible budget deficit and insisting that not supplying struggling people with federal assistance is somehow compassionate. Still, there’s a far easier way the administration could fill in the gaps:

They could sell the president’s shit.

Of course, the president would really have a crisis on his hands if the budget had any hope of passing — as economists have repeatedly stressed, the projected economic growth it relies on to offset its high tax cuts and reduced spending is a fantasy. 

The cuts Trump are proposing are so deep, his oversized assets alone couldn’t save the country.  Selling Trump’s crap could nonetheless make an impact in the lives of millions. Let’s do it without his consent.

1. Sell his dumb $7 million gold walls and help approximately 4,107 low-income families eat for a year

Subtle

The poorest Americans receive approximately $1,704 per year from the federal government in the form of SNAP benefits, otherwise known as food stamps. If Trump simply melted down the gold in the ballroom at Mar-a-Lago, he could help more than 4,000 struggling families eat for a year. 

In lieu of that, Trump has proposed $191 billion in cuts to the program over the next ten years. Nice!

2. Auction his $10 million Renoir painting and help around 1,537 people keep their health insurance

Do you really think this lady wants to live in Palm Beach?

Do you really think this lady wants to live in Palm Beach?

I’ll gladly print out a copy of “La Loge” on my office printer and hand it to Trump, if that means he’ll sell the reproduction and use the funds to help save 1,537 people from disease or much worse.

The federal government spends an average of $6,502 on Medicaid reimbursements per enrollee annually. Logically, the Trump administration is planning to cut $880 billion from Medicaid because living is now a luxury good.

3. Sell $3 million worth of horrifying antiques and help protect close to 3,963 of the poorest kids in America from disease and possibly death

Trump amongst a pile of his crap in 1987

Trump amongst a pile of his crap in 1987

Image: The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images

The federal government spends approximately $757 for every child enrolled in CHIP (Children’s Health Insurance Program) in New York.

Trump plans to cut funding for the program by 20% over the next few fiscal years. He could save some of those kids by actually protecting the program’s funding. OR he could sell some of his gilded lamps and donate the proceeds to this population directly, even though half of those kids probably hate him after reading this budget. 

4. Donate the earnings from 22 memberships to Mar-a-Lago and give about 498 people disability benefits for the year 

Grand ol' party having a grand ol' time, I guess

Grand ol’ party having a grand ol’ time, I guess

Image: brooks kraft/Getty Images

The federal government is projected to spend $8,830.84 per Supplemental Security Income enrollee in 2017. SSI protects individuals who are prevented from working because of a disability. 

Trump, meanwhile, charges $200,000 per membership at Mar-a-Lago. 

The president is planning to slash disability benefits by $72 billion. He could protect their funding or at least donate the money from a few memberships. Alas, he will do neither.

6. Melt down his four gold plated sinks and protect 341 people from sliding into further poverty

The Earned Income Tax Credit provides $293 on average annually to single low-income adults.

Trump has four gold-plated sinks worth $100,000 in total that, if sold, could help around 341 struggling adults from falling deeper into poverty for a year. That still wouldn’t come close to the $40.4 billion the budget cuts over 10 years. So … maybe just don’t do that?

7. Put Mar-a-Lago on the market and keep around 28,409 people in their homes for a year

Mar-a-Lago is one of the best places in the world to get a deadly sunburn

Mar-a-Lago is one of the best places in the world to get a deadly sunburn

Image: evan agostini/Getty Images

The Department of Housing and Urban House spends approximately $880 per month, per household to keep struggling families in their homes. Trump, whose Mar-a-Lago estate is worth around $300 million, could sell his estate and protect close to 28,409 people. 

Instead, he’s choosing to slash HUD’s budget by $6.2 billion. Good job!

8. Sell his $100 million penthouse and help keep 3,079 homeless people off the street for about seven months

If Trump sold his $100 million New York penthouse, he could use the funds to help keep some homeless folks in shelter. It costs the federal government approximately $4,819 per person, per month to shelter homeless individuals. 

Unsurprisingly, he’s choosing to do neither and has instead selected the far more familiar evil route

9. Go to Mar-a-Lago less and protect the National Endowment for the Arts instead

It costs the government up to $3.6 million every time Trump decides to travel to Mar-a-Lago. 

In 2016, the NEA received a miniscule $148 million in federal funding.

Trump could simply watch TiVo at home and donate those savings to the NEA. Alas, he’s choosing to do neither and want instead to eliminate their budget entirely. 

10.  Sell Jared and give his $241 million to cancer research

Image: ron sachs-pool/Getty Images

Honestly, does anyone like Jared at this point? The kid’s net worth is an appalling $241 million. Trump doesn’t need to cut $1 billion in funding to the National Cancer Institute like he’s planning to. The president should just sell Jared to the highest bidder and use the proceeds to offset the cost of cancer research.

Problem solved.

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