We’re just weeks away from the WWE’s annual late-summer smörgåsbord of professional sports entertainment, SummerSlam. But for all the hype of the second-biggest pro wrestling show of the year (behind spring’s WrestleMania), the real feuds are simmering in Washington, D.C.
While stories about a White House at war with itself have been circulating for months, the situation hit a new level of surreal this week as new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci went nuclear on then-Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus.
With all of the drama and animosity flowing through the administration, the White House is starting to look more and more like the WWE locker room. Which makes total sense, in a way: Trump is a WWE Hall of Famer (and one-time participant) and he brought former WWE exec Linda McMahon (whose husband, Vince McMahon, is WWE’s chairman and CEO) into his cabinet.
Given all of this, and with SummerSlam fast approaching on Aug. 20, it seems appropriate to book an alternate universe wrestling extravaganza, one in which the matches all revolve around White House feuds.
So let’s get to it.
Marvelous Reince Priebus vs. Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci vs. The Red Pepper Sean Spicer in a Triple Threat Street Fight Match
Just one week ago, when Spicer announced his resignation in a huff over Scaramucci’s hiring, we all thought it would make for a great knock-down, drag-out fight.
And then Scaramucci called the New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza on Wednesday night and unloaded an unhinged rant in which he called (now-former) Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.”
All over a document that Scaramucci says was leaked but is actually publicly available.
And then? THE PLOT THICKENED. Reince joined Spicer on the outside.
This is intense even by WWE measures — which includes the time Vince McMahon was blown up in a limo.
There’s no love lost between Scaramucci and the two men whose exits he helped bring about. They’ll want sweet, sweet revenge.
What better way, then, to make this a no-holds barred street fight? Anything goes, falls count anywhere, whatever weapons you can find along the way are legal — trash cans! chairs! Rand Paul! — and the last man standing
gets to keep his job gets the satisfaction of … winning, I guess.
Though, really, there are no winners in this White House.
Donald ‘The Golden Throne’ Trump vs. The Alabama Slammer Jeff Sessions in a steel cage with Special Guest Referee Russian Ambassador Kislyak
Oh, yeah, THIS feud.
Hard to believe that just a few days ago, this was the fight getting all of the attention. Sessions, remember, was the first (and, for a while, only) U.S. Senator to support Trump during the campaign.
So how does Trump repay him?
By blasting Session in an interview last week with the New York Times in which Trump said Sessions’ decision to recuse himself from the ongoing Russia investigation was “very unfair to the president.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions has taken a VERY weak position on Hillary Clinton crimes (where are E-mails & DNC server) & Intel leakers!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 25, 2017
It’s the old-fashioned sneak attack double cross!
For his part, Sessions has called Trump’s attacks “hurtful” but refuses to take the bait and resign.
Something’s got to give so let’s throw these guys into a steel cage and see who comes out the victor. And just to add a little spice to the match, the special guest referee will be a Russian that has been a thorn in the sides of both Sessions and Trump: Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak!
Undisclosed meetings with Kislyak led Sessions to recuse himself from the Russian investigation and Kislyak was one of the men in the Oval Office with Trump when he reportedly called former FBI directer James Comey “a nut job” and shared a little intel.
Who will Kislyak choose? Will he remain fair and balanced in calling the match? Or will he choose one man over the other, revealing where his (and Russia’s) loyalties lie?
The Alt-Right Alliance (Steve Bannon and Steve Miller) vs. The Quiet Kid Jared Kushner and The Prophet Mike Pence in a tag team match
Steve Bannon versus Jared Kushner was one of the early big battles to emerge from the Trump White House as the two men battled for the soul of the presidency (assuming this presidency even has a soul, which is doubtful).
Meanwhile, Steven Miller, who helped write and roll out Trump’s controversial travel ban, is often considered sympatico with Bannon; The Atlantic called Bannon and Miller “the key figures of what could be called the Breitbart wing.”
The wild card in all of this is Vice President Mike Pence. He reportedly aligned with Bannon in pushing Trump to ban transgender individuals from the military but he also seems to be trying to keep his hands as clean as he can in a White House filled with pig slop.
And he’s also quietly doing a loooooot of fundraising. Is he just taking that role over for Trump, who apparently isn’t a fan of this kind of glad-handing? Or is there something deeper, like, say, setting himself up for his own run down the line, especially if this Russian investigation actually manages to sink Trump before his first term is up?
Whatever the case, Kushner and Ivanka Trump are making a point to show up to one upcoming fundraiser to show the world, “SEE? EVERYTHING IS FINE BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT.”
Fluid alignments and tag team betrayals are hallmarks of pro wrestling: you help me today but I’ll turn on you as soon as it’s to my advantage. Bannon and Miller seem like a solid team. But will Pence stick with Kushner? Or will he stab Kushner in the back to make his own way?
It may be a tag-team match but there’s more than one storyline to follow which is what the best pro wrestling is all about.
Okay, so those are the big three matches we’d love to see. But there are plenty of other matches to be had and pad this one out into a full-fledged event.
Ivanka ‘The Power Suit’ Trump vs. Paul ‘TRX’ Ryan in a ladder match over family leave
Hanging above the ring is a copy of Ivanka Trump’s family leave proposal, a pet bit of legislation that Ivanka has apparently been pushing her father for. Meanwhile, Paul Ryan is a big fan of spending time with his family but, conveniently, really dislikes paid family leave.
The first person to get a ladder up in the ring, scale it, and grab the bill will win.
The No-Comment Ninja Sarah Huckabee Sanders vs. the rest of the White House communications staff in a “Stop the leaks!” Battle Royale
Can Sanders keep the rest of her staff from leaking? Will the rest of the staff, armed with juicy gossip, be able to outlast Sanders and each other to get their bit of information to the Washington Post first?
Kellyanne ‘Alternative Facts’ Conway vs. The Fourth Estate Anderson Cooper in a Loser Leaves Town Eyeroll Match
Need a break from the fisticuffs? How about a one-on-one interview in which Cooper and Conway sit down for half an hour and if Conway can get through the whole thing without saying something that makes Cooper roll his eyes, she wins and Cooper has to retire from CNN.
But if Cooper gets exasperated enough to drop the facial expression shade on Conway, Kellyanne has to pack her bags and bid the White House adieu.
Sure, Cooper isn’t part of the White House or even tangentially connected (like Paul Ryan), but it’s HIGH STAKES!
So ice down the beer, throw some steaks on the grill, and get ready for a night full of White House fun. It’s the kind of chaos this White House was born to bring.